Excited and a Little Blue
I think, to date, I've had the greatest day of my undergraduate career. Really. And to think I wouldn't have had it if I wasn't the nerd I am and taking classes I don't need. But anyway, my language professor managed to combine our language lecture with a discussion of social cognition. It makes perfect sense since we use language to communicate within social situations, but actually having them combined in a lecture? I was in seventh heaven. The short of it all is that in the past couple of decades, cognitive psychology has done away with the very simple ideas of short term memory (STM) and long term memory (LTM) and instead they've elaborated on them. Social cognition, at least the part that I am so in love with, deals mainly with LTM. Recently a researcher by the name of Tulving has come up with three basic ideas of what sort of memory makes up LTM: episodic, semantic and procedural. While we didn't get past much more than the introduction into social cognition today since most of the students have not seen this model before, I was pretty much delirious with joy that my two favourite classes - EVER - are combining and I simply cannot wait for Friday. Yay!
Anyway, that's what happened this morning, moving on to other thoughts that I've been having and what I've been meaning to post on today ...
I got a call yesterday from the moron that was my most recent boyfriend. I must say that I am very happy that I missed the call because, again, it took me a couple of minutes to figure out who the missed call was just judging by the number - I suppose this means that slowly, but surely, I'm forgetting it altogether - and when I finally figured it out, I was very happy I hadn't had to talk with him. The last time he called I didn't recognise the number and went ahead and answered it and because I am far too nice ended up talking with him for over half an hour. Phew. So this relates to something else I've been thinking about over the past couple of months: dating.
There are times that I wonder if I'm ready to dive back into dating guys and I also sometimes really think that I want a relationship. And then there are times, like yesterday, when I remember why I have no desire - at the moment - to delve into one anytime soon. I like being single, I enjoy being able to do whatever I so please whenever I want, not having to worry about what someone else thinks with regards to where I am and who I'm talking with. I know that a healthy relationship would be one with someone who would understand that just because I'm talking with another guy doesn't mean that I'm trying to pick him up, but nevertheless, it happens. Or at least it has in the past - the slight tinges of jealousy, I mean. I suppose it's human nature. And just think, I doubt I would have been able to just randomly pick a long period of time to just jet off on a trip like I'm doing early next year - remember? I'll try not to talk about it too much, haha - if I was in a relationship. There'd have to be a discussion about why, where, when, who with, blah blah blah. I don't want that, I just want to go. And I am. Not only that, but - and yes, I know this is very egocentric - I like not having to worry about anything, consider another person's feelings and devoting a lot of energy to a relationship. They're draining.
BUT. See that? That's a really big but ...
I miss other aspects of a relationship. There are sometimes that I wish I had someone that always had my back - and I know my friends do, but I wish there was something else added to that, ya know? I wish for that other something. Don't ask me to define it, I can't. Anyway, at the moment, the desire to be by myself definitely outweighs the desire to be in a relationship, so much so that I pretty much shoot down any sort of indication that someone wants something more before the discussion even comes up. There's one guy in a couple of my classes that has showed obvious signs of interest but I won't talk with him about anything other than school. Nothing personal - I have made it abundantly clear that we will be nothing more than classmates. I want to focus on school and be as excited about it as I am today 'til I make it into my graduate program - and even then, I want to continue to be excited about it - and those sort of relationships require so much energy and commitment that I - again, just at the moment - am unwilling and unable to give. I don't have it all in me, there is only a finite amount of energy that I have and right now, it has the words AlieMalie, school and friends written on it. Nothing more.
But I still miss it ...
Anyway, that's what happened this morning, moving on to other thoughts that I've been having and what I've been meaning to post on today ...
I got a call yesterday from the moron that was my most recent boyfriend. I must say that I am very happy that I missed the call because, again, it took me a couple of minutes to figure out who the missed call was just judging by the number - I suppose this means that slowly, but surely, I'm forgetting it altogether - and when I finally figured it out, I was very happy I hadn't had to talk with him. The last time he called I didn't recognise the number and went ahead and answered it and because I am far too nice ended up talking with him for over half an hour. Phew. So this relates to something else I've been thinking about over the past couple of months: dating.
There are times that I wonder if I'm ready to dive back into dating guys and I also sometimes really think that I want a relationship. And then there are times, like yesterday, when I remember why I have no desire - at the moment - to delve into one anytime soon. I like being single, I enjoy being able to do whatever I so please whenever I want, not having to worry about what someone else thinks with regards to where I am and who I'm talking with. I know that a healthy relationship would be one with someone who would understand that just because I'm talking with another guy doesn't mean that I'm trying to pick him up, but nevertheless, it happens. Or at least it has in the past - the slight tinges of jealousy, I mean. I suppose it's human nature. And just think, I doubt I would have been able to just randomly pick a long period of time to just jet off on a trip like I'm doing early next year - remember? I'll try not to talk about it too much, haha - if I was in a relationship. There'd have to be a discussion about why, where, when, who with, blah blah blah. I don't want that, I just want to go. And I am. Not only that, but - and yes, I know this is very egocentric - I like not having to worry about anything, consider another person's feelings and devoting a lot of energy to a relationship. They're draining.
BUT. See that? That's a really big but ...
I miss other aspects of a relationship. There are sometimes that I wish I had someone that always had my back - and I know my friends do, but I wish there was something else added to that, ya know? I wish for that other something. Don't ask me to define it, I can't. Anyway, at the moment, the desire to be by myself definitely outweighs the desire to be in a relationship, so much so that I pretty much shoot down any sort of indication that someone wants something more before the discussion even comes up. There's one guy in a couple of my classes that has showed obvious signs of interest but I won't talk with him about anything other than school. Nothing personal - I have made it abundantly clear that we will be nothing more than classmates. I want to focus on school and be as excited about it as I am today 'til I make it into my graduate program - and even then, I want to continue to be excited about it - and those sort of relationships require so much energy and commitment that I - again, just at the moment - am unwilling and unable to give. I don't have it all in me, there is only a finite amount of energy that I have and right now, it has the words AlieMalie, school and friends written on it. Nothing more.
But I still miss it ...
20/9/06 3:19 PM
At times being alone can be the worst thing in the world, but then so can being with someone who doesn't really want to be with you for who you are and/or seeks to change you. Its the easiest thing in the world to fool yourself into believing that you are in love with someone because I think we all have an inbuilt desire to find that place of comfort (I can't think of a better word)in our lives and so naturally miss it when its not there.
I think its wiser to hold off until you know that its the right thing to do and you are in the right place to do it, though even that can hit you in a lightning strike moment when you least expect it.
Sorry bout the mini-essay but it is one of those complicated topics even at the best of times.
I'll also note that you write about not currently having the energy to give into a relationship, but part of the best relationships is about both partners sharing the load and such. I know it sounds selfish, but maybe you need to think more about what people can give you rather then what you can always be doing for them. top
20/9/06 10:25 PM
I am having the same exact feelings. i was in a really long relationship, so my new found freedom has really been fun. I love being able to do whatever I want, like just suddenly decide to get out of town on a moments notice. Yeah, a part of me still misses those times and moments when you are with someone special, but there is so much other work and effort required, that I just don't want to deal with it right now. Right now I just want to focus on myself and what I want to do, and all that other stuff will figure itself out later. :) top
21/9/06 3:55 PM
You're right about jealousy being an issue when you travel- If you had a boyfriend who knew you might meet up with Korova he'd never let you go. Korova dazzles the ladies with his hair. He doesn't mean to, it's just the way his hair is.
Incidently, Korova is worried about his privacy and is looking for a cow mask to bring in case any photos are taken. At least he'll be easily recognisable.
On a more serious note I agree with Rhub and Wes. If you don't feel you have the energy for a relationship then you haven't seen the right relationship for you yet. They are a very draining experience if the other person isn't willing to meet you half way and when I look back at other relationships I've been in I know how lucky I am to be with who I am now. The good ones tend to happen when you least expect them to. top
22/9/06 1:44 PM
Rhub, with regards to not having the energy to be in a relationship: what I meant is that all the energies that I do have are geared towards things that involve my life and moving forward to a place that I really want to be in - things like school, deepening the friendships that I have and making more of them. Giving in a relationship, even one where you are appreciated in return and things are fairly well balanced, requires energy that I do not have. Even healthy relationships require an amount of energy that I am unable to give at the moment. It's not that I haven't experienced this before, I have, just not as often as the other way around. Sucks, eh?
Wes, exactly. I like just doing what I please, when I please. If I want to stay out 'til 2AM on a Thursday night to sit and talk politics with a friend I've recently reconnected with no one's going to care if I don't call to say where I am. I'm also able to refocus on things like my friendships and trying to redefine where I am in my family. I like not being tied down to anyone but myself. Woohooo!
Neath, will Korova's cow mask have a big anarchy A on it? Like I was saying earlier, I've seen and been in a very good, "right" relationship before, unfortunately he moved away for grad school and we decided it'd be better to take a break. To make a long story short, even though it was a rather short lived relationship in the grand scheme of things and in comparison to other relationships I've had, it was equally balanced and very rewarding. I'm looking for something like that again - just not at this particular moment. But that's not to say that I don't miss having something similar.
:)
AM top
22/9/06 1:46 PM
I think I just said that I want to have my cake and eat it too in a very roundabout way. haha. top
22/9/06 7:13 PM
I felt that way so much a few years ago. I think everybody needs to enjoy being single for as long as they want. Not that being married sucks (it does for me, anyway), but I've known too many people who get married or stay in relationships they're not happy with because they hate to be single. Being single is fun, folks! Really! Except when it isn't. And I know what you mean about sometimes wanting someone too. Sounds like you know what you want right now and that's pretty cool. Maybe you could find a cuddle buddy? Someone to cuddle with sometimes who's just a friend? I had one or two of those and, as long as they know that's what they are and they're cool with it, it can be pretty cool. top
22/9/06 7:13 PM
LOL, freudian slip? I meant to say being married DOESN'T suck for me. Oh geez. . . top
27/9/06 9:54 AM
Thanks JB for defining for me "cuddlebuddy". Wow! Never thought of that! Best, rama top
3/10/06 2:48 AM
ew, he called? Shouldn't he be watching a playground or roller rink? top